6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
There's always time for handjobs
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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