Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
