Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
