i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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