whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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