Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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