why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
