yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
