2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
