One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
