Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
