Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
