Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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