Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
