Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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