I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
