he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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