The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
