Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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