i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
