I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
