I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
