im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
