Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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