do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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