dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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