Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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