And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
