I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
