you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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