I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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