Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
