I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
