that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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