Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
