who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
