i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
