I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Found your dick twin last night
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
