I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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