at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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