...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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