The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
