can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
