Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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