no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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