it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
