i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
