Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
