Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
