I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I party with great urgency now.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
