Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
